Essence

I keep catching them at stoplights and see it all over their faces. It’s become a pattern. I attribute it to some New Age recipe around the art of manifestation and what the Universe is trying to tell me – that or I’ve overextended my stay in Los Angeles. This one in particular made me uneasy with her innocence yet in the end, she caught my gaze, held it, took pity on me and moved on. They’re not easily distracted, and while they can’t discuss the art of filling a void, the nothingness you think they possess has the intellectual prowess to start a much needed conversation with yourself. Foregoing East Coast sensibility, in true Angeleno fashion, I attempted to decipher what the Universe told me through patterns as I pulled up next to a 4 year-old girl at the stoplight on Santa Monica Boulevard. Life hadn’t touched her and I felt she still had her essence, or a supreme understanding (unbeknownst to her) of what made her, her. A guiding force comparable to an urge that guides you to your joy – or who you really are. It’s beautiful to see it on them, but enough to low-key piss you off as life experience makes it difficult to extract. There’s an art to it. And I asked myself, at the start of the conversation, what did it feel like? The closest thing I can give you from my own experience is being alone, defending Gotham City in Fort Huachuca Arizona at age 4. It was the good kind of butterflies. Is creativity the driving force? I can’t place my finger on it, but you know the feeling where you’ve lost all sense of time doing what brings you joy and nothing can touch you - not even life. I wanted it again. What do I do? I looked back at the girl. She had moved on. And in pure Angeleno fashion I read into a ‘movement/behavior’ as symbolic of the overall experience - in this case closure. I asked, waited, let the first answer come to mind and then...Solitude. The acceptance of Solitude is how you get it back. Different. In the midst of wondering if I had lost it (mentally), I wondered how long that girl would be able to hold on to her essence before life happened. Hopefully she’d get it back, because I’d like to believe that this is the art of coming full circle.

Maturity

My light had dimmed a little and with months gone by I couldn’t and still am unable to discern if it’s maturation or pangs of regret and failure that have allowed me to be silent and observant in many different settings. I had changed and it was, and it is scaring me when you begin to apply the lessons learned. Loss of the old. Who will you become? That last one gave me the notes, directions and rough sketch of a roadmap to keep going with regards to my life path, but I couldn’t help but wonder if that path would somehow bring me back to that one. But I had listened this time. Maybe a little down the road. Go this way now. Maybe or maybe never. Focus. It is never easy and your patience is always tested but my eyes had grown heavy and behind them was more substance. Maybe it is maturation? Does regret, pain and loss whatever it looks like help to shape maturity? Possibly. To know that it isn’t a game as rules around love and the heart are beyond this realm in my opinion which is why your level is different than the one across the table from you. So the light had dimmed, yes, but maybe it was waiting to be ignited by a more mature understanding of how life works. But I wanted to capture a moment in the lows of the currents of separation. Fleeting now, and a process that I realized out of maturation, I cannot rush. So you learn to sit like an adult and not act like a child as you move through the journeys of life gone from the other as we all have experienced this. A spiritual contract to your route hidden in biological functions to facilitate the final destination to companionship, but above all else a better understanding of yourself. It’s never easy, but acceptance is maturity.

Kin

“Torberts is our actual last name. Not Brown.” I sat across from my uncle who I hadn’t seen for 22 years at a Starbucks near LAX, skeptical about this meeting. Seated next to him my ‘now’ cousin and his wife. Truthfully, I didn’t want to be there but something told me to go when this long lost kin member, (1 of 8 aunts & uncles) kept messaging me saying that he wanted to see me. “And we all got a Kennedy name. That’s why I’m Fitzgerald and yo daddy was little Kennedy.” I pinched myself so I wouldn’t start to cry as he spoke about the mysteries of my dad; my grandad (a sharecropper) who passed for White due to the Alabama Torberts family and who rode Appaloosa horses; the Brown family fascination with the Kennedys (every boy and girl has a Kennedy name - my middle name is Kennedy); and how the family knew of me and heard of what I was building through whispers. This black southern Alabama family was mine. But these people were blocked out of my life since 95’. Being alone for quite sometime in cities where I have no kin, I’m so used to building on my own with my immediate family always being hundreds and in this case thousands of miles away. But when I tell you that there is no greater feeling to know that there are more of you out there and that they love you, it is one of the most powerful feelings. I looked at this man who had my dad now all in his face, “Uncle Fitzgerald, I wanna’ know you guys [aunts and uncles]. Will you all be accepting of me?..” I really asked that. “Of course! Despite all that...We love you. You family!” 8 lives waiting on me. I clenched my jaw to now fight tears. And while I could not right the wrongs of what had been done, they were my kin so the only thing to do was to open up my own heart and erase the narrative that had been given to me. Part of the process of being whole is to know that this experience truly is so short. Time is precious. When we got up to leave, I wanted more of it and when my sister called me, being a sap I wiped a few tears away saying I wish I had had more of it. And in that brief interaction with my kin, I saw my values and priorities begin to shift

Barcelona-Sants

“...Because I don’t know how to put myself first.” I had to go back and get him. I kept replaying this in my head on the train ride back to Barcelona from Madrid. I broke down in front of my buddy at dinner 8 hours after visiting La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona a few days prior to Madrid blurting this out. And while I probably only ‘boo-hoo’ cry 1-2 times out of the year, this moment was doubling that average. Going to that church made me feel so small and while not a realization, was confirmation that for quite some time I had lived my life small. After years of abuse/traumatic events that ranged across the spectrum, the last few months leading up to this trip made me face myself in more ways than none. That as a result of my past beginning before the age of 10, I had let false beliefs of inferiority reign supreme 8 months out from 30 and as a result believed things about myself that weren’t true - and did things to myself that didn’t need to happen. Hiding my tears with my hands at a restaurant and receiving consolation, I took deep breaths and realized that I had a long way to go with recovery but that I owed it to my self to tap into the potential that as a result of these incidences, I had shamed for so long. I’m not a Christian, and left that organization a long time ago, but to see the power and beauty of something so magnificent - and the power of an idea and a belief in oneself touched me on so many levels that you can’t come back from that. That stunning admission from myself to myself at the restaurant in Barcelona became more vivid as I reached the platform of Barcelona-Sants. I realized that love is selfless and is a choice. That to love someone meant to make the choice to put them first and I saw for the first time that I had never done that for myself. I had never done it for that little boy left behind at 7. And trying to hide the tears that were now flowing as my feet hit the platform - I said I had to go back and get him and show him what love was. Thank you Spain.

Layered

The natural inclination was to tell the little voice in my head to “shut the fuck up”. But this time was different as I finally figured out that this little voice, which is directly related to self-esteem and personal power, needed to be treated with compassion and sincerity. It’s that little voice filled with negativity, insecurity and all of the demons in your life that you have faced or are unwilling to face. It’s that little voice that says this task is impossible; this Experience is too challenging; this truth is unbearable, the risk isn’t worth it. It is responsible for self-defeat; shame; the continuation of debilitating patterns that take away your personal power. At 29, I finally understood and was catching it in the act. “It’s ok,” I told that little voice. A few times I said this, it could with ease, discern a disguised “shut the fuck up” and became reactive. Lesson learned. But I kept saying it. I still say it. With intent. Its enough to make you full when “it” grows quiet. I say this all to say - be nice to yourself. We’re layered and we’re all fighting to get to our truths whether it be unconscious or conscious. You are doing the best you can with all of the information you have. Tell that little voice that will willingly sabotage your personal power, self esteem, etc. “It’s ok”. To get through the fuckery (the layers of yourself and your Experience); to be whole and to enjoy the time that you have, have some self-respect for yourself and be nice. When “it” grows quiet, as cheesy as this may seem, you’ll hear your heart and you’ll hear your breath - which lets you know you’re still in this bitch. Promise, it’ll make you smile. Shit may even make you cry - and that’s okay.

Raw

Lean into what life requires of you. I remember breaking down in the high school parking lot, head on the steering wheel, sobbing, wondering how and why people could be so mean. I made a promise to myself from then on out to be comfortable with walking alone and I never looked back. Little did I know, life would require this way of thinking and all of its ‘protective mechanisms’ that come with it, for the next decade. Plucked from Virginia and thrown into multiple cities and places, not knowing a soul, I’ve made it a point to become my own foundation. As a result, I’m incredibly sensitive to the choices I make, relying on me, weighing out the consequences to the point of self-sabotage – yet somehow managing with great precision the ability to walk the middle between polar opposites, Fear and Recklessness.

But as I make my way through this Experience (life), all of that is coming into question. I realize that the current version of myself that developed in Hayfield Secondary School parking lot, is no longer required. Life requires different versions of you. That to resist the temptation to lean into the New Version poking its head, will result in stagnation and to achieve the personal and professional goals I desire, a level of rawness and vulnerability is required. And as I begin to take a step back, I realize that with moderation (and practice), yet a desire to maximize myself, this might possibly be the only way to live here on out.

While I cannot remember the day vividly, I can remember the feeling of being hunched over the wheel in my Grandma’s 97’ Honda civic in the school parking lot. The knots in my stomach. The mental exhaustion. The embarrassment, and above all else the hurt. It had been nearly 3 years of constant bullying and I had kept a strong demeanor, beginning to truly understand “Big Picture Thinking” (highschool is not everything), yet everyone ultimately has a breaking point. No one should ever have to feel that way - and I would never wish that on anyone even nearly 15 years removed. In that moment, I made a promise to myself to stand up for myself and to “go down swinging” no matter what. And I did just that. The next day, I pushed through, endured the taunts but something changed. I spoke out. Little did I know, life was waiting for me to lean into this protective mechanism of “sticking up for myself” that I had so routinely avoided. Life was trying to prepare me, yet it would require my acceptance.

As a result, it would take me from Virginia and introduce me to worlds, cities, people and experiences that I honestly could not have imagined. It still is. But this protective mechanism is no longer serving its purpose, and in actuality is beginning to hinder my own progression in my Experience. As I get older, I’m realizing that I have to give it my all if it matters to me. That to even behave in an extremely protective manner limits me from moving on to the next chapter in my life. There is a true feeling of happiness to know that you truly gave it your all despite the result - whether that be positive or negative because even the negative is a positive. This New Version rearing its head is beginning to extend in all matters of my life as well.

With matters of the heart, I’ve always been incredibly careful with who I extend my trust to. The sensitivity that comes with this is something incredibly sacred, yet I had always found ways to mitigate the rawness of the situation, ultimately hurting the other party – but above all else myself. If your human, intimacy is scary. With professional goals, paranoia is/was a common trend as I’m developing a path that is solely based on instinct and passion – the fear of losing it all with nothing to show is palpable. But again, I’m learning did I give it my all? Can I be proud of it all? Being protective does nothing to help me realize this. Throughout this short little life of mine, I realize that in order to get to the highest version of myself, which I genuinely believe is what we’re all fighting for, I’m required to be vulnerable and to go all in. To be raw. That doesn’t mean willfully throw away the protective mechanisms or experiences that have shaped me, but that does mean to lessen the grip in order to experience what is truly meant for me.

That in order to truly discern what is beneficial for me in pushing me towards all that I want to experience in this lifetime, takes a level of maturation and rawness that I honestly am terrified of. To take it one day at a time terrifies me. To learn to process before I act and above all else, to check in with myself terrifies me. And it’s okay to acknowledge all of my feelings around it. I’m terribly competitive, but it’s okay to lose and it’s okay to win as long as I committed to “going all in”. I’ve lost love and I’ve lost career opportunities (some life-changing) but could I honestly look back and say I went all in? Or was I protective of the hurt that comes with rejection? For some yes - for others no. But I’m seeing that life is requiring me to accept the hurt and deal with it accordingly. And that’s just one example. This can only be through rawness and being vulnerable.

I thought I understood these concepts before, and thought I had done an incredible job at applying them - but I realized that I wasn’t maximizing them. Time will tell how this New Version will play itself out and what it will be used for. I’m aware of the moment just like the one in the highschool parking lot that triggered this "version", yet this time – I’m leaning in. No longer resistant. I’m ready to keep going.

Always lean into the version life is requiring of you, because you will never know what waits on the other side.

Notes on The Melanated American

But first I speak within the context of living in America. To be called a terrorist at 28 by your government because you seek to heal and advance Community, is surreal; yet to watch the permanent undoing and unraveling of an archaic system fueled by the false construct such as the 'color line' is quite entertaining. As I received the push notification on my phone from CNN that sunny fall day in New York City - telling me that the FBI had declared black identity extremism a threat; I laughed and went about my day, stopping at 16 Handles for a treat. Silly people. Don’t they know that they are dealing with a generation equipped with a better understanding of this country's history at base level than they themselves? Before I tell you why I laughed, context is important.

The Hero’s Journey

I believe with my whole heart and entire being, white supremacy (a multitude of many things) was allowed to flourish to show us one of the lowest vibrational forms of human behavior in the modern world. And due to its primordial barbaric nature, as a result, show humanity what we don’t want, triggering within us a desire to elevate and to be a more healthy, spiritually, self aware society. Within the context of the experiment known as America, the trigger to a healthy more aware society rests solely in a sacred and complex Being known as the Melanated American (who identifies as black).

This Being’s tale is one of fascination rooted in the construct of a ‘color line’ that would ultimately form the basis of this experiment. In recent times, I can think of no other group that was designed for one purpose only; only to be able to adapt, be agile, be nimble, and be resilient -simultaneously relinquishing themselves of that purpose in order to become ‘human’. That purpose alone has the ability to pave the way for a more empathic society, a purpose greater (or perhaps it was designed this way all along) than color. And I’d like to note, to show society what it means to treat human beings as human beings under a microscope in the ‘greatest country on earth’, is incredible.

At its core, the Melanated American’s tale is that of an underdog’s tale - and if America deems itself the originator in the modern world of the ‘true underdog’ (given how it was founded), then the journey of the Melanated American will be the sequel. One thing is true, everyone loves, or will eventually love the underdog as the underdog is the hero. But the sequel takes many variables to get right. It is a more intricate process designed for those who truly understand the original, willing to take another chance to create something better. This is the beautiful burden of the Melanated American.

Moving away from the ‘Color Line’

But within this context, how does one create the sequel aside from understanding the original? Again, the Melanated American’s journey begins at the creation of the ‘color line’, a line of low vibrational warped beliefs and fallacies where one group proclaimed itself better than the other. Its origins began to develop in the motherlands of Europe – yet with precision and branding made its way here to the current experiment, America. If we agree that the history of this country and its physical prowess is indebted to the creation of the ‘color line’ (which thrives off of polarity and maintains order), then the Melanated American is unwillingly, unknowingly and knowingly at the forefront, holding the key to the experiment’s evolution or demise. Let me emphasize this again so it is clear. The continuation of this experiment rests solely in the Melanated American. They have the power, but not by force - simply out of a ‘group of visionaries’ that did not think this experiment all the way out when they sat down to flesh it out.

The Melanated American, a unique group, whose intended design was to solely build an empire by working the land, also was/has been used as a pawn under horrendous low vibrational constructs to maintain order. With no land or country to ‘fully’ identify with, they would go on to build that country which would turn into an empire, and fuel its existence and structure due to their ‘color’. This empire, America, owes its entire ‘strength’ and ‘existence’ to them. Simply put, strength was created by the lofty ideals and non-inclusive frameworks by rich low vibrational ‘white’ beings that would form the basis of the ‘color line’ to ensure that the Melanated American would stay in line for the sake of structure.

But if the Melanated American chooses to move from the color line, choosing to rewrite his or her own narrative, so will fall all of the core components that make up this country’s foundation. If we agree that America’s power at its base is rooted in color, one I should say that the country as a whole is having tremendous difficulties coming to terms with, the awareness and advancement of the Melanated American will disrupt and alter its structures - calling into question all symbols, structures, relics, labels, figures, etc. that contributed to its formation. I daresay, even the classifications of people from ‘black’ and ‘white’ will be disrupted. For who can those in a state of power and ‘goodwill’ compare themselves to when the anti-thesis (polarity) of their false constructs of superiority, no matter how loud or silent, is me? This includes all of the labels associated and assigned to me as well. This country needs me in order to maintain structure and without me, what will it fall back on and who will fill ‘that void’?

New nigger applications are being shoved in front of the Mexican and stereotyped Muslim, but even these people have seen our history. They too understand. The only fools who still uphold this color line (unconsciously or consciously) are left to face themselves and reality. There is nowhere to run. Not even space. Furthermore, to further emphasize my point about why I believe white supremacy was allowed to flourish; I believe it was to show humanity, that through my brethren and sistren that identify as white, their denial of reality and internal biases, permits examples of ‘basic instinct’ to be on full display. This signifies  as a whole or makes society more aware that, we are not as advanced as we’d like to believe. Let me be clear, wealth and materialism does not dictate advancement when it comes to understanding not only yourself, but how to treat another human being. And so I say, to witness this ‘unraveling’ as it’s happening is unbelievable and why I laugh at my government saying black identity extremism is a threat, ultimately making me a terrorist. The line is now coming undone - and with great hastily attempts, trying to stay in tact. Reality is quite hard and this hidden phenomenon of superiority within this experiment continually seeks new acts of tried and true tactics to ensure its survival. It’s pitiful.

Notes on the Melanated American

1)    "I’m tired of this film"

Imagine sitting in a movie theater your entire life, watching a film from start to finish over and over that has received rave reviews of perfection and grandeur. It’s so perfect (branded as such), that many miss the piss poor editing and horrible acting but are blinded by the visuals, music and ‘beauty’ of the persons playing it. The film is meant to inspire you, as you who come from nothing with no identity to stand on seek to find some solace in taking refuge under the images being shown – even though they are not you and do a fantastic job at erasing your ‘supporting’ roles. But you know your role is more than supporting and you feel something isn’t quite right. Your parents have seen the film and have warned you about its flaws and failed attempts to justify its mistakes. They will tell you how it will try to assuage your hurt around some parts regarding your role by making you feel shame. They fight with all of their heart to make sure you see that this isn’t real to help you make sense of the people you’ll be interacting with – many of which sit around you oblivious to these points - blinded by the picture. You take their notes and continue watching.

But after years of watching this film, your heart grows heavy. This vision is not yours and is the creation of someone else's world, which is their reality. You are no longer laughing when you’re supposed to laugh or crying when you’re supposed to cry. Instead, you grow numb. You look around you and the target audience is still in a daze, oblivious to their own well being and others around them. If you stay, you forego sanity. You make the decision. "It's time to leave," you say to yourself. "I'm tired of this film". You turn your neck and see the bright red exit sign. You know that by standing up, you will cause some form of disruption - perhaps blocking someone's view. But the exit is the future. You know the film isn’t real and should you choose to stay in that movie theater like the rest, you will die there along with them as the world is moving on. The film is America and the images are white supremacy.

You attempt to stand up, but not before you’re met with deadly stares, death threats or low vibrational behavior meant to hurt, maim or kill you. To elevate one's self (or simply stand up) symbolically represents the truth of the film, which will bring about its end. However, many will fight to ensure that the film stay in the theater past its expiration, even if it means there on demise. It's too good. But who are you to care. If the film wants to continue to run after you leave, leave it - for it is no longer your problem and the narrative created by a vision of another’s world, is not yours. There is a desire to go to another movie, perhaps created by me, honoring my history which it turns out, within the context of America is actually real.

I’ve seen the effects of this film and what it has done to my Community and what it has done to my white brethren and sistren’s communities. It’s killing them, just as it has killed us, responsible for the development of hurtful biases and low vibrational thoughts and behaviors. One not need look any further than to see the physical and psychological damage it has done to myself and Community. From bombing thriving Melanated metropolis', to rape, to self hate amongst our own, to lynchings, bombings of churches, erasure, etc. How could individuals be this cruel to another based on color? But it doesn't stop there. Their minds have become so distorted that in their attempt to proclaim recent 'mass shootings' (which are acts of terror) as the worst mass shootings in this country - they forget the worst mass shootings in this country were committed by those that look like them towards Melanated Americans in Black Wall Street or Colfax. Cognitive dissonance is synonymous with truth. Cognitive dissonance should be the title of the film.

But I truly don’t think they know that this film harms them. They seemingly voted for a reality television star to govern a country, some voting against themselves – and nearly pushed a pedophile to become Senator. I wonder in amazement, does one even need critical thinking skills to understand the film? But I can’t teach them, and unlike my parents and those before, I haven’t the energy nor desire to teach them or 'build a bridge'. It’s better to observe from a distance for just as a child has to learn, so must those in the seats. Hopefully they come to their senses, but the sad truth is that this film is real for them. They are emotionally invested as the film provides false confidence and promotes a false reality by assigning false attributes to the color of their skin. But again, it's just a film. Take it away, what is left?

As I continue saying “Excuse me,” politely past people to get out of my row, I start to realize that I no longer desire to be awarded awards under the name of a European writer. This perpetuates the film and false reality.  I no longer desire to be given a scholarship from an individual who was responsible for the colonization and the deaths of millions. This perpetuates the film and false reality. I no longer find refuge in a white man with blue eyes with two holes through his palm. This perpetuates the film and false reality - a film in which my narrative has constantly been hijacked and shown in a negative light to make sure the ‘color line’ stays intact. There are hisses and shock from those who watch the film amidst me making my way out of the row. "Sit back down!" "Fine! Leave if you don't like it!" One motions to throw something to which I eye him down hotly. Don't be stupid. I am not my parents or grandparents. He puts his item away. But even look at what the film fixed him to do! History has shown me that this anger and violence stems from these false attributes which make up this formidable color line. I accidentally step on someone's toes, "Ouch!" "Sorry," I say. But perhaps that was the first time they've ever felt me. I no longer say “excuse me” as I make my way out of the row. I’m now unapologetic, for if someone is not choosing to operate in reality and instead, live in a fantasy, (a fantasy which does not include me) then there is no need to be polite for I don’t even really exist to begin with. Stepping on their toes actually may help facilitate their own awakening. Still, I do my part.

As I now walk directly towards the end of my row, there is a desire to create something better. A world that is reflective of my narrative, just as much as it is for my white brethrens and sistrens that still sit in the theater. I walk a bit taller and along the way learn to love myself more and more. The experience of being a Melanated American, teaches you to love your self and embrace you unapologetically - for it seems the world has been conditioned not to do so. That takes incredible courage and strength to love and understand you more when many may deem it as taboo or radical.

I look at the faces as I walk past. Some may choose to leave with me for they understand the future and that we’re moving towards empathy and understanding, but doing so will be painful for them. Just as much as I am choosing to unlearn to learn and create a new narrative – so must they, should they choose to as well.

2)    I’m not afraid

As I make my way into the aisle, I’m not afraid. While numb, I’m rather amazed at those still choosing to sit and stay. But again, I say to myself, “That is their history and they may choose to believe whatever they want as it brings them comfort.” I understand comfort and its devastating power when it’s disrupted. But I still got up, because to stay comfortable will be my demise. As I walk down the aisle, I see some of my own, seated with a look of fear or an earnest desire to assimilate. Perhaps the desire to assimilate is fueled by tapping into the 'American dream' part of the film about ‘making money’ - but even that, given our plight, is questionable. But I understand survival. To stay in the seat is survival. I get that too. But if not now when? And don’t they know that if they stay in that seat, our true calling, to elevate ourselves, will not come to fruition? Who wants to stay on this low vibrational plane? Don’t they know that if they stay in that seat they will never know what can be? Never know our destiny? Never play a part in The Sequel? There’s more to see and more to create for civilization did not begin here, nor will it end here. If I told everyone in the theater, civilization began with ‘brown’, they would laugh and justify their laugh from the film’s narrative. “Yes, while that may be true – not without the touch of the Greek. Come here and learn more about Aristotle!” one would probably shout. Do they even know about the African mystery schools that many Greeks traveled to and far from to 'know' which would spark their learning? Or what about Mansa Musa if money and power is the obsession? What about the own unsung heroes/innovators in this country that look like me? Do they know? Do I even know? I'm finding out my history through Instagram and memes as this wasn't taught at school, yet I assimilated and went to one of the best institutions in the world. Still I know so little and the film does little to let me know more.

But again, when comfort is disrupted, it can lead one to do devastating things. Besides, if money is the barometer of success for their narrative in this country, how can I persuade them to face reality when the richest men in the world are American and look like them? I hope they do not think it’s by coincidence, but again – why disrupt? Context is seen as the curse. I’ve seen what low vibrational behavior from the ‘opposite’ community can do, but I’m not frightened, so those that look like me shouldn’t be either. For as you begin to embrace your journey and uniqueness, so too follows the darkness. In this world, it’s duality. But this fight is bigger than myself, reflective of the world’s push to understanding each other so I keep walking, but I stop.

What stops me on my way out are those that have never really been a part of this experiment’s ‘polarity’ which again, makes up the color line. Outsiders, immigrants, who while some may be Melanated are not Melanated Americans - not fully understanding the grotesque history of this country’s inception. My history is wrapped up in that mess. The mess from the color line. Some are blinded by the film, going along with it, not knowing that even their own existence and ‘future fortunes’ have come to existence due to the struggle and fight to be human - by the Melanated American in this country. Some look at me on my way out. Some surprisingly shuffle and begin to stand up too. I think they’re getting ready to leave too. But I don’t care. I keep walking. If they want to follow, they can come. Maybe they need to use the bathroom.

3)    The exit is the future

As I approach the door, I see the big red letters that say Exit. Truthfully, I’m excited. I will create a better movie with new labels, new deifications, new casts, new beliefs, etc. The Sequel to the film. The Sequel to this experiment. And I'm taking my history and culture (yes, all of its creations) with me as it seems that is was overlooked and deemed less than in the original film being shown. I turn around one last time to my white brethren and sisteren who are transfixed and entrenched at the screen. Some see me and hiss again, already plotting on ways to vilify me for leaving. I was a no name to them before until I stood up. But some are actually curious - shuffling. Are they getting ready to stand up? There is a look of innocence in their eyes to want to know what I'm doing as they know this film is dated. It's almost as if they dare ask me, "How can I help with your film?". Innocence, I remind myself ends around the age of 7 or 8. At least that's what Christianity taught me in this film - that should you die before a certain age, you would automatically go to heaven, because of your innocence. The people that look at me are past that age.  

I don't have the time to unwire and create a new tale (or sequel) while busy unpacking and unlearning things taught in this one. I feel some know what I'm going to do and know why I'm doing it, yet my culture and its trendsetting ways are easier to digest for them than the darker parts which are in them - so they turn an eye. Life is too short to be that serious, right? It isn't their problem I guess. I would hope they wouldn't be that superficial in seeing me just as Culture, even though that is true - but I reason, to be sensitive and hyper aware of your surroundings requires an experience that I feel they will never really experience. I've had the blessing to receive these skills due to the Melanated American journey. I honestly don't even know how they would even begin to understand, other than that this would require a complete rejection of who they identify as. But that is no longer my concern for this entire mess was never my fault and has nothing to do with me. Maybe they understand that. So I tell myself that they should go to those who created the film and wake up their own from their slumber. They are hurting.

I push the door. As I push, I can hear my parents’ sigh of relief. “He made it and he did it magnificently in the process,” they say under their breath. But just as quickly as they sigh, they hold their breath again. “Are you sure want to tell others about this new picture that you’re going to create? You know what happens when you create your narrative? Take into account your personal and professional life. Look at what they did to the young football player who took a knee,” they say. But I want to create a new film with a new narrative. The drive to produce something better with actual substance and reality, not misguided nor misleading burns great. I can’t shake it. It’s in me and as I’m beginning to see, it’s in nearly all Melanated Americans. And if they (I now balk at the term they) come for me, so what? There will be another after me. I push the door and as I take that next step out into the world, I receive a push notification from the FBI declaring ‘black identity extremism’ a threat. And so this is what happens when I decide to stop watching the film meant to maintain order or the color line. My existence will lead to its end, but in actuality it's an ending that will lead to something better for everyone's sake.

I laugh at the push notification. In an age of transparency, they will still try again but I don’t care. I’ve studied and analyzed the film and know it better than them because they’ve erased my parts. They don’t understand what they’re not willing to confront so in actuality, I’ve always had the advantage. And I’m seeing throughout history that that has always been the case - for if one goes to great lengths to create a film and brand it themselves as being the best, we know that it’s not and it never was. Reality.

On the streets I see my parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances and people. Melanated Americans. They are all standing by, not really knowing what to do but knowing that they should be doing something. I wonder what propelled them to get out of the film. It had to be something innate. Again, that burning desire to want something better. To create something better. That has to be innate in the Melanated American and is ultimately reflective of the human spirit. They must know that humanity can do so much better. I already see people fighting to build the film on multiple fronts. Some protest in the streets while some huddle in spaces plotting. Some who made the 'money' and got the 'power' group together to create PACs; while some invest in infrastructure. But I hope they have unlearned what they needed to learn and learn what they have unlearned, for we have so much work to do internally before we begin to shoot. There are many moving parts but I feel I can bring them together through my own works. I want to contribute. Again this purpose is bigger than me. This movie, or Sequel will take time and work - and although there are many other things I’d like to do; the desire to create this film is of the utmost importance.

I begin to play my part.

i n s t i n c t

Instinct is nature and as I get older, I’m seeing nature is the Teacher. “Lean on yourself bud”, is what I tell myself when faced with a problem - no longer reliant on external forces (idols, sacred texts, gurus, institutions, etc.). The freedom and confidence that stems from this - I shit you not, is an incredible high. But your Experience (life), and all that you’re meant to experience through your unique Design, I find, will end early if you’re not able to harness Instinct. If we agree Instinct (which is in you) is the Teacher, the inability to harness it and instead let it by hijacked by external forces can lead to the end -  and by end, I mean death. 

There is a desire to master my Design in order to maximize my Experience. Whereas others may give praise to external forces (idols, sacred texts, gurus, institutions, etc.) to ‘tell them’ of their own Design in order to maximize their Experience, or simply survive, I find myself giving praise to Instinct. In essence, to walk away from Instinct is to walk away from survival. It’s terrifying to rely solely on one’s nature and nothing else, but I know me – no one else. Why look for answers to tell me how to live when this is my Experience? While all subjective, here’s how Instinct is teaching me to maximize my Experience and master my Design.

1)     Instinct teaches you to question things which allows you to better discern people, situations, etc.

Discernment gives me the ability to trust myself and identify threatening/productive situations, things or people. This is done through Instinct and because of this, I’m able to advance through my Experience and maximize it faster.

In order for Instinct to begin to take shape, it’s imperative (I believe) to suspend belief and allow oneself to question surrounding. Instinct is rooted in primitive behavior and harnessing its primitive state, molding it to be used effectively is what I attempt to do each day. As an example, I was taught at an early age, under Christianity, not to question the ‘Lord’s work’ and to be mindful of sin, fearing God ‘Himself’. However, in my early 20’s there was an Instinct to know more about myself. I suspended the belief to fear ‘God’, and began to question ‘It’. Instinct allowed me to see that what I was actually fearful of was the unknown, death and ostracization. Upon suspension, my Experience began to expand as I opened my mind to the possibility of steering my own [it] without conditioned guidance. As a result, the ability to discern certain truths, situations and people for that matter, became clearer and I began to sift through the fuckery of this world easily.

2)     Instinct teaches you to ‘do’ in order to see your Design and not conform

Your Design is uniquely yours and is the blueprint of you and all the things you enjoy to create in your Experience. To know it helps you maximize your Experience as you embrace your uniqueness finding solace in your individuality and gifts. There is no longer a desire to conform.

We create each and every day albeit a family, relationships, work, etc. There is anxiety if you stunt creativity, even more so when you’re unable to not do what you feel out of trepidation, shame, guilt, etc. You are stunting Instinct, and this is not healthy. I’m a proponent of ‘everything in moderation’, however in order to experience what I’m meant to experience, I need to do unapologetically. When you do, your Instinct is teaching you what you must or must not pursue based on your Design. The only way to discover Design, is to allow Instinct to take shape, forcing yourself to do what you think is best in the present moment. As an example, I no longer hesitate to express my feelings when something is wrong or right in the present. For the Experience I want to have, and to know my Design, it’s important for me to be vocal, to ask and to do. Holding back is not an option. If my Instinct tells me to move, I do. As a result, there is not even a desire to conform as much because Instinct has shed light on my Design and uniqueness slowly building my confidence around my own power.

3) Instinct teaches you acceptance through confrontation

Acceptance of your Design is something that I’m beginning to master as Instinct sheds light on both light and dark aspects of [it]. When shown these aspects of Design, I confront them head-on letting Instinct ‘show me the best way’ despite the level of difficulty. I’ve come to find difficulty comes from the Ego and the inability of myself to sometimes not let go and let things flow.

 Through this confrontation and the ability of ‘doing’ (through moderation), forcing myself to suspend beliefs around the situation and myself, I accept. I accept what I cannot control and Instinct takes control. I no longer run, yet embrace it allowing it to teach me not to conform, and accepting was is a part of me. At the end of the day, I have no one to please but myself.

I say all this to say that I praise and I’m proud of my nature. Instinct is the tool that is allowing me to survive and maximize this Experience. I lean on this throughout my life and find myself not necessarily even worrying about next steps - because I trust my nature to show me the way.

Confidence in doing.

I’m starting to see that there is a direct correlation ‘in doing’ and ‘completion’ with respect to confidence. The more one does and completes tasks set before them, the more one gains confidence in their ability. For the path that I’ve chosen for myself, I realize that the biggest advocate of my success and my livelihood is myself.  We are wired as human beings to adore adoration and praise from our colleagues, peers and family members, however, I find it incredibly challenging to adore oneself by oneself. Don't let your confidence be left under the control of others for the sake of appeasement. Do what you want and complete it with vigor. Always finish what you start. 

I was raised by Melanated Women

I’m incredibly proud of this.

Melanated women who identify as black raised me. They are my sister and my mother. They are resilient, opinionated, strong and will stand their ground. Their ability to balance masculine and feminine energies to a degree of proficiency is something that I cannot ignore, as I adopted many of these practices, becoming okay with my masculine image in the process.

It’s a beautiful display of strength when they provide guidance and while they break, as we are all humans, they have the courage and resilience to build themselves back up and carry on in rapid fashion. To be able to witness this unique experience first hand (being raised) is a blessing. I do not know if their strength is innate, but their strength makes me appreciate Melanated (Black) women even more. To be able to put on a face in a world where you are a double minority, yet take on a role of courage when the world requires it even though you may not be ready, is powerful.

Please do not think for a second that I attained courage to do the things that I do without their strength. Many may see their presence as intimidating, to which I say let them think that. Because people who are usually rooted in who they are, are able to trigger inferiority and insecurities in those who are and have never been rooted.

Thank you for assisting me in the journey of manhood.

Written July 5th, 2017

Yesterday, I sat and did nothing. Whether I was exhausted from the nearly week long festivities with my childhood friend, or from work – I did nothing. I turned on Hulu, took care of some work, went to the gym and got groceries. I wasn’t that excited for the 4th, but the more I did nothing, the more I thought, why should I be excited to celebrate?

As a person that is actively beginning to question the foundations, structures and institutions of this country, I’m beginning to slowly reject bits and pieces of America’s civil religion. The civil religion of a country is what binds us. It’s the driving force that makes us believe in something. It’s a powerful branding technique. There’s a reason we still glorify and albeit deify slaveholder founding fathers and are ‘willing’ to overlook their sins – albeit some even attempting to justify their horrendous actions.

America is currently split as we are forced to decide which country we want and what we will ultimately stand for. Are we moving towards empathy and respect for the actual challenging experiment of equality or are we attempting to behave the ‘same’ way. This same way can best be described as a hyper form of ‘cognitive dissonance’ that has created a willful ignorance and disregard for the afflicted and marginally oppressed in this country. In doing so, it has warped mindsets, leaving millions to believe a ‘lie’ that is not only dangerous to the other citizens of this nation; yet detrimental to their own lives. Last I checked, they screamed for support of a reality television star to march them to their own deaths as their healthcare will be stripped. They’re not even thinking of their families nor future generations at this point. Pitiful. But let me not run on a tangent.

I see the 4th rooted in oppression and a nation still unwilling to own up to its history. So while I heard the fireworks booming above my apartment, I kept watching Vanderpump Rules on Bravo and switched to (ironically enough) House of Cards Season 5 on Netflix. When I told my father that I did not celebrate the 4th, who is a retired Colonel of the US Military, he actually got upset with me, telling me that he served. But I told him, this year was different as something didn’t feel ‘quite’ right given where were at as a country. I thanked him for his service but told him the holiday no longer resonated with me. This is a growing trend among the afflicted which is why I say that we will see more statues come down, and more ‘national relics’ be rejected.

As we begin to move forward, it’s time we begin to call a spade a spade; even if that means we become more self-aware about what this country actually means and represents for those who have always benefited from July 4, 1776 – and those who still do not. It’s odd as you reject a country’s civil religion. It feels weird at first, but when you begin to reject things in an attempt to face actual truths, you actually are at peace. The truth will always set you free.

"Just live your damn life."

A lesson from the higher self to my self, "Just live your damn life." This is what I say to myself when fraught with fear. We are all learning valuable lessons to help us become our higher selves. This is our experience and it's important to know yours and yours alone. I looked around me the other day and I said, no matter what, another person cannot tell me what I'm doing is wrong or right as they too are learning in this human experience. How I choose to meet myself or become the highest version of myself is my decision and it's imperative that I just live my damn life. As long as I'm not hurting anybody, let me learn my lessons and enjoy my experience and I'll respectfully allow you to enjoy yours. Again, just let me live my damn life.

A problem with the Free Hugs Project

From an original Facebook Post dated 9/25/16. NowThis media company released a short clip of Free Hugs Project founder Ken Nwadike giving hugs to cops during the Charlotte, NC protests in response to the murder of Keith Lamont by police officers. Here's my response:

Post:

“It’s about staying neutral, that’s what’s important!”

When I heard the founder of Free Hugs Project, Ken Nwadike passionately scream this to hecklers in response to him giving hugs to police officers in Charlotte, NC, I shook my head in annoyance and said, “No, no it’s not.” In choosing to use the backdrop of America 2016 to promote his message of love, he blindly misses the mark with his choice of words and does harm to not only his message, but the current movement that is choosing to have an actual conversation around race.

In America 2016, there is a considerable amount of angst throughout the country and if not dealt with properly and sufficiently, I will live to see the complete fall of an empire that is less than 250 years old. ‘The Great Conversation’ that needs to be had around the foundations of which this country was falsely built on is being checked. It will not stop with the lagging response of justice to police brutality from our lawmakers and judicial system, ‘ill equipped’ for our tech savvy and transparent world, but will begin to call into question our own founding fathers intentions and the monuments left in their names. This is just the beginning. With matters of race taking shape as the first talking point, The Great Conversation cannot exist with neutrality but can only exist through a frank and honest open discussion if we want to keep this nation alive. This is why I have a problem with the Free Hugs Project's founder’s actions specifically in Charlotte, N.C. and the project’s message which can be attributed as a move towards ‘world peace’ - as I do not feel hugs are aligned with the current climate of America with respect to race.

To be frank, at the root of our problems of the current American climate with respect to race, stems from white supremacy and the uncontrolled excesses of capitalism. I'm all for world peace and vibrating high in an effort to push the great experiment of humanity forward, but before we can even get to this place, so many other boundaries and divisive tools must come down and we can barely get past color. The current plight of the Black within this country stems from years of oppression and being considered less than. Racism exists within our country and we all feel it. What bothered me about watching Ken Nwadike attempting to give hugs to the policeman using the backdrop of the racial climate of the country, was him yelling back to hecklers, "It’s about staying neutral, that’s what’s important!" When it comes to dismantling a powerful construct such as white supremacy for peace, being neutral in times of ‘distress’ is being complicit and the passivity that comes with being neutral allows for what is wrong to permeate. As a result, actual progression of 'peace' will be delayed. I’d like to add, in a world that is moving fast with the emergence of social media, justice is something that governments cannot afford to delay, and understanding the actual climate of the country is not something we as citizens can afford to sugarcoat.

Cops are not bad people, but there are bad people who are cops. It seems that the judicial system is unable to adapt rapidly to deliver justice as cell phone footage captures the next murder or frequent injustices. This is another problem as there is a generational disparity between those currently in power and the youth, as our respected elder seem to be unable or unwilling to believe we operate in a transparent world. A veil no longer exists and to act as it does, does considerable harm to a nation’s existence as you have a generation that can deliver a problem real time, reliant on a government to provide a solution in the same manner. The internal structures of the police force and the channels that promote its existence need to be reevaluated but seem to be lagging in its efforts to do so. The history of the police force in this country is intertwined with the systemic oppression of groups of people of lower socio-economic standing within this country. This force was set in place by those who had accumulated incredible influence and wealth with the possibility to thrive without any limitations based on the color of their skin. The influence wielded on this force, creates a deadly concoction, one in which these youths and organizations such as BLM are trying to dismantle or extract. To throw out hugs in a time of distress based off a highly probable yet current utopian idea of we are ‘all one’ or in an effort to ‘raise social awareness’, misses the point of the first talking point of The Great Conversation, completely.

In order to even get to acceptance for all, the hurt has to exist to first. Some of the comments from those who still don't understand after watching these ‘hugging’ videos said, "Why can't BLM people behave like this?" "If all BLM people behaved like this, I would understand." This is limiting progression of certain transgressors of humanity or certain people, to actually understanding their own sickness and could delay them from getting better. It seems the world is waking up and some of our fellow man, still can't wrap their heads around the problem. There is a pill that needs to be swallowed by those in a position of power and privilege and this time, people are going to make sure it goes down with or without water. A cure is needed, and to soften the blow or bitterness of the pill, will continue to prolong this disease of a superiority complex, which has never existed and is a fabrication of the human experience. White supremacy needs to end. To those who still hold on to these false constructs of superiority even if they do not exemplify outright supremacist behavior, yet lack understanding of their own privilege, need to recognize that they are living a lie and are truly ‘not well.’ They are sick.

A mother still force feeds her child medicine to get better because she knows better, this is no different. To see this young man giving hugs to the police force, while admirable is somewhat comical and is cringe worthy as he screams with passion "It’s about staying neutral!" when the current times do not ask for this. Furthermore, it mitigates the hurt and emotion that needs to be expressed in order to move forward. While I do not condone him being heckled in the way that he was in Charlotte, I also understand the hurt and pain from the hecklers. No one should be an advocate for violence but the people are angry at the first boundary (policemen) set in place by our own government that stands in between the way of their freedoms and liberties. They have every right to express their discontent as it is bringing awareness. To sprinkle this with hugs and YouTube uploads marginalizes their push for equality and counters their movement. It's a slap in the face.

The reason why there is a harsh critique of this man from the Black community with words such as “coonery” and “Uncle Tom”, is because the neutrality of it all is reminiscent of days when Blacks were forced to be silent and abide by the law. Being called a coon or an Uncle Tom is equivalent to complacency, neutrality being a distant cousin but virtually a first cousin when there are times of distress. A voice has been found again within the Black community, and neutrality is the last thing anyone who values human life wants to hear, as it seems some people still don't get it. Neutrality didn’t work for ACT UP in the Aids epidemic nor did it work for the decolonization of British rule in India for Gandhi. Neutrality does not work. While his efforts to raise social awareness through hugs may work in other situations, to use it for police brutality highlighting racism in America 2016, is not the time nor place for it. This is serious, and the aloofness of the display distracts from us as a society getting to the core problem.

I've seen his videos before and while I applaud his efforts, his neutrality leads to confusion and almost does more harm to his message than good. For instance, in one of his videos where he gives hugs at a Trump rally, which garnered many views, almost seemed as if the intent was to show blacks as being "non threatening" and the "same" when we were never threatening to begin with nor viewed as the same to begin with - a construct set in place by those with privilege and power. We were never barbaric and we were never uncivilized, hence why these misconceptions promulgated by those of privilege need to be dismantled.

The only way to dismantle these ‘false-norms’ is to create a situation of intense self-reflection amongst the transgressors, Whites and people of privilege and to no longer soothe the unease that self-reflection triggers. Hugging does this. Circling back to the Trump video, one could say it was to show the ignorance of Trump’s supporters, however I'm not sure. Neutrality confuses me. It prances around the subject instead of shoving it in front of the faces of those that really need to catch up with the world, for their own wellbeing. They are falling behind, yet we are still trying to help them see. However, the patience is wearing thin. I don't condone and try to avoid lexicon used by our own community which denotes us as lesser than or sell outs, as these words too were birthed from constructs of white supremacy, but can you understand why the confusion leads to others within our community calling him a 'coon' in critical times such as these? It's just another ugly word for neutrality and complacency.

No one is bringing this baggage of racism further into the 21st century and you'd be foolish to think it will end with Blacks. Other minority groups in our nation are beginning to ponder why equality has not been given to them as promised by this country, and they too are beginning to search for the core problem. Blacks in America will fight two fronts in this last push for equality and respect. I say last, because people are beyond tired and frustrated, truly. One will be to raise as much awareness as humanly possible, unapologetically, in order to shed a spotlight on the historical indecencies caused by white supremacy towards Blacks (lynchings, segregation, discrimination, etc.) - the second being to begin to rebuild their communities which will require considerable self reflection in a capitalistic and individualistic society. We will see our own begin to question why some in a place of privilege, have not done more for the community or have even ‘allowed’ certain stereotypes to exist.

This man who gives hugs is ten steps ahead in his approach towards universality and if he can be that 'visionary' for world peace, I ask him to float back down to earth as he should begin to assist in the rebuilding of our own communities first. While I applaud his efforts to spread love with hugs, I ask him to be cognizant of where, how, and what he’s doing to raise awareness in his quest for 'love'; as some situations, currently, are not aligned with hugs. If he must record and upload, with the backdrop of themes of systemic oppression and police brutality, using America 2016 as a conduit to spread a message of love through hugs, I ask that he turn to our communities first. If the message is to show Blacks in a 'pleasing light', I ask that he turn to our communities first.

As an example, step in Chicago and give hugs to young Black youths and walk the streets with them, giving the community hugs. This will not only address my second point of rebuilding an afflicted community by showing that he is in this fight, but will also show the humanistic side of those unable to progress in the richest country in the world, concurrently allowing others to catch a glimpse of what actually is. Fight for your community by not saying "it’s about being neutral" but saying to the world and those in a position of privilege, “it’s about showing people what this country has done.” Then upload the video to YouTube, and say like and subscribe to create and assist in the much needed conversation to move us as a nation, forward.

Why not George?

As America attempts to move into a higher version of itself, with the confederate monuments coming down, should George Washington's statue come down too? It's a valid question I've asked myself the last two years and I think it's one worth talking about. If we're going to take down confederate statues that represent the ugliness, treasonous, bigoted past of Former America, then why don't we atone for all of our sins? Why not George? George must go along with TJ and the rest if we're to continue down the path of respect for those afflicted by this nation's ugly history. It's not a matter of if, but when at this point.

The reason why the confederate monuments are coming down is because they represent treason, bigotry and are offensive to marginally oppressed communities in America. They are relics that deserved to be kept in a museum only meant to serve as a reminder of how far we've come, yet how far we need to go to carry out the true experiment called, America. Yet why stop there? Let's not sugarcoat this. Our founding fathers were White Supremacists hell bent on breeding Melanin as cattle to create the ultimate stock to work the land and build the country (which my ancestors did). As far as I'm concerned, our founding fathers would have aligned themselves with the Confederacy, and that if we want to continue to move forward as a country, (albeit experiment) it's time we begin rejecting glorifications of those who did not implement, nor practice their own beliefs of ‘equality for all’ and begin to give praise to those that did. These men were not ascended masters, yet were men of their time, unable to adhere to egalitarian principles that they themselves created, that we in this land blindly follow thinking applies to us.

The concept of America with respect to the American dream, is perception based and perhaps one of the greatest branding case studies in the history of the western world. So much so, that the American dream (success and wealth) achieved by the ‘individual’, is able to cloak the founding fathers true intent of who this land was initially designed for; to the point where the successful individual (who does not fit the intended demo) thinks they belong here. Blinding and incredible. That’s why I can’t help but laugh at minorities in the current Republican Party and find solace in Iowa Republican representative Steve King’s lucid tweet, “We can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies.” At least he doesn’t hide it and let’s me know where I stand and is transparent about what I’m up against. A White (of European descent), Heterosexual Patriarchal system hell bent on maintaining Former America’s true design.

I recently found out that I'm related to a family called the Torberts in Alabama. My great-great grandmother was a slave of the Torberts, raped by the owner of the plantation. That is how my great grandfather came to be. He made my grandfather who made my dad who made me. You must understand what this does to me psychologically. I don't feel worthy. I feel disrespected and of little to no worth to know that my 'family' never had an identity. My last name is not even my own and to know that in the founding father's eyes, I come from a lineage of cattle is powerful. I was created by a system that treated me as such, a system designed by our founding fathers who have become symbols of America’s civil religion; a religion from an Old World that I am rejecting.

It is horrific to think that our bodies were merely used for work and pleasure, and used without consent. To know that that is how part of my family was created is sickening. To know that some of my features, tone and blood is mixed as a result of barbaric acts is horrifying. My family’s tale (which is all too common amongst Melanin of African descent within this country) is a story eerily similar to Thomas Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemmings. These men who viewed my family as cattle made sure that this was possible (putting it in writing as 3/5ths in the Constitution) and for this country to glorify them and their lives and expect me to obey and place my hand over my heart, is a slap in the face to my family. While you may conjure up feelings of amazement and grandeur at the bust of George and TJ, I see men who willingly promoted an egregious lie of equality for all by still viewing human beings as less than, and also wanting their cake and eating it too. To know that we give praise to this culture of rapists, slaveowners, etc. (which include some of our founding fathers), I find it hard to believe people wonder how a bigoted, sexist reality television star became president. You say fascism, I say White Supremacy. George Washington kept slaves and even went so far as to track one down for years when the slave fled. The man is a disgrace, and I cringe when I view his bust because he is as low vibrating as the souls who elected the reality television star and fought for the confederacy. No empathy in sight.

America cannot move forward and form into its ‘higher self’ unless it is willing to come clean and reject and own its past. That means acknowledging those affected by this nations ugly history. That means listening to people like me. That means rejecting symbols, monuments and relics that are disrespectful towards humanity and the evolution of this experiment known as America. If all lives matter, then you need to show me respect. If you're not willing to show me respect by not even considering to take down the monuments, and understand my grievances, then all lives do not matter. And to be frank, if you take offense to any of this, albeit a complete rejection of human empathy and rights, the fear you have of losing power is so tangible and blinding that you have not accepted what this nation is becoming. Consequently, you still hold onto the perception based branding technique put forth by our founding fathers or perhaps you knew of their true intent and are doing your best to carry it out. 

So I say again, if we are willing to take down the Confederate statues that represent human oppression and rejection of 'equality for all' (and were also treasonous) then why not George? It's a question worth considering, but one who's answer I strongly feel will be answered in the coming months and years as this nation goes through its growing pains.

3K

There once was a woman who protested the death of her husband, who was killed by barbarians that wrongfully accused him of a murder he did not commit. At 8 months pregnant, the woman found the courage to speak out in a hostile environment whose inhabitants operated under the premise of a false construct. Their allegiance to this false construct caused them to believe, behave and act out in the most inhuman way, void of empathy, operating out of primal fear in the most aggrandized way for self-preservation.

When the woman protested her husband’s death, the same mob that took her husband’s life came for her, causing her to flee. She evaded their pursuits for some time, only to be captured days later.

Once found, still pregnant, the mob dragged her out of the house, strung her up by her ankles and stripped her bare. They proceeded to pour gasoline on her, but not before they slit her belly open with a knife used to split hogs. Her unborn child fell out, allegedly let out ‘two feeble cries’ before its head was crushed by a member of the mob who stomped on it. Next, they lit her body on fire all to teach her a lesson, because she had used her voice to counter inhuman behavior, only to make the mistake that she believed she was a human being.

Her name was Mary Turner, and she was lynched in Georgia in 1918 by an angry white mob.

Just as animals gassed infants in the concentration camps in Nazi Germany, animals bashed in the heads of an infant on the ground while its mother was being set ablaze. Low vibrating individuals that pledge allegiance to the false and delusional construct of White Supremacy still exist. 

The estimated number of lynchings of blacks in the South from the period of 1882-1968 is recorded as 3,446. True numbers will never be known (with respect to lynching) and if there’s any indication that this is how Whites viewed Melanin pigmentation, then it’s safe to say  that the actual number dwarfs the estimated number of lynchings on record. 

I say this all to say that I will begin to respect more and more of the +3K whose lives were lost by the hands of barbarians known as the KKK. I will also respect the hundreds of thousands more, dare I say millions, specifically of my ancestry in the context of America, that perished under this false construct.

I respect them, as should you.

I will continue to understand my culture in this country and beyond as there is much more to learn. I’m aware that my excitement to understand more will be met with resistance and cries of ‘reverse racism’ (which I laugh at) or feelings of being 'threatened', but it’s no longer my problem. Humanity is ready to shift towards empathy and one thing is for certain, we don’t need White Supremacy. So yes, the fears of White Supremacists are warranted. Their time is numbered, but to those that protest against it, understand that this false construct is passed down and can morph into different forms and thought patterns which can lead to behaviors and actions. Be agile, just like it.

It’s important for my community to begin to respect those that have fallen under this horrible, delusional behavior, recognizing that it was only allowed to exist to show us what happens when human beings operate in the lowest forms of human behavior – and that empathy is the only way.

I’m optimistic that White Supremacy’s flagrant behaviors are on the precipice of extinction, however if a caged animal is threatened, it will do whatever it takes to survive even towards the very end. While my current country implodes still ignorant of its own reasons as to how and why a reality television star is running the country (coining bigotry and racism as cultural anxiety a la The Atlantic) I will continue to build my community and do I what I need to do to build the life I want.

Stop saying death...

Despite the teachings of spirituality, religion, or whatever organization/institution that discusses the natural order of human life; the term death has such a negative connotation as it represents closure to our Life. Life is an experience and all experiences end. Instead of saying, death or died, we should say ‘The Experience is over…’ to create more of a pragmatic and fulfilling approach to a life well lived. Yes, capitalization is required and I’ll explain why later.

Fear is rooted in the word death as to most it represents the unknown. When I say death, it conjures up a person in a hospital bed agonizingly taking his/her last breath before the release, while struggling with the notion that he/she is about to drift somewhere (…that could just be me). It’s human nature to fear uncertainty, but I feel as though we should stop saying death so we can look at life as a simple experience in the grand experiment of humanity; understanding that an experience (in the context of being a human being) is finite.

Again, Life is an experience and all experiences end. That is all that it is. In this experience, you take a journey and the journey will have a conclusion, but along the way many experiences will shape the narrative that you control based on choice. That’s how I look at it. When I see a headline of a famous person who has passed or an individual that has passed, the first words 9 times out of 10 are ‘Death’ or ‘Died’. It’s blunt and if I may be frank, deduces the entire experience of a life and the mini experiences that shape it. Furthermore, it reinforces the notion of a journey abruptly, ‘cut’ down. An experience cut down. A life cut down. No, the experience is simply over. Headlines should say, ‘Singer Prince at 57, Experience over” or ‘Experience over/ends for Singer Prince at 57’ Why?

Aside from experience assuaging the bluntness of the word ‘death’, when used, ‘death’, shoves under the rug a rare and unique experience; A life - your life. When death is used, it only makes me more anxious creating a one-track mind to enjoy a ‘single experience’ known as life when I’ve been experiencing multiple experiences within life since I’ve been born. I know what it’s like for an experience to end and to be uncertain of what’s next, drifting aimlessly into an abyss.

When a relationship is over, the experience is complete.  You don’t know what is going to happen after! You’re only 9 once. That year is over. When you leave your job, that experience is over. When you graduate, that experience is over. These are all mini closures - things that will never be again, in this current place and time which let you know, experiences are ending constantly. Now imagine if you stepped into this mindset and viewed The Experience (capitalized because this is Life overall which is comprised of all of the mini-experiences that shape it) in this manner? It would not be a hard pill to swallow and you’d be even more prepared, dare I say excited but more so ‘blasé’ instead of anxious to accept what we all will face.

By using The Experience is over, instead of death we are able to view life as The Experience comprised of many experiences that show us the concept of permanence and why it is important to embrace the journey and accept its end. Try this thought out.

A check in...

I'm beginning to look back on 2016 in the fondest of ways despite it being one of the darkest chapters in my life. Looking back now, I realize the 'old version' of myself can no longer work in this new space and I found this out by 'checking in' with myself.

I'm learning to check in with myself at all costs. That means being silent when I don't know the answers and acknowledging what is and isn't a fit for me in the present when I'm unable to discern what's best for me. As a result, I began to understand that the old version of myself is dead and isn't coming back anymore. When faced with 'tests' by the universe, checking in gives me direction and gives me a stronger desire to keep going. 

Try it. Turn off the phone for awhile. Stay off IG. Turn off Netflix. Stay away from the feed on FB. Don't go to the gym. Cancel a plan. Get silent and let the thoughts come in and be ready to ask yourself some tough questions, give yourself some praise or just catch your breath. Just be with you until you're ready to emerge, no matter how long it takes. Could be 5 minutes. Do it daily. Checking in with yourself keeps you advancing through this story we call life and pretty soon, this will be a top priority amongst all of the other priorities in your life. 

A List to Defy the Empire.

My existence is a threat to the Empire. Melanin, has allowed me to become a rebel.

America is an Empire and when you contextualize it this way, you are able to view things from a historical lens. My existence defies this Empire's original agenda and White populism, in a threatening manner, has made that very clear. Growing up from a place of privilege, I would have never seen myself taking up this fight, but recent events are counteracting what was taught to me in the Empire's education system, that MLK ended barbarism, or in other words, racism. The path that this Empire is taking, and around the world, what with the reactive behaviors rooted in fear by certain people, will limit innovative ideas and progressive attitudes from the oppressed of the Empire because energy will be focused on protecting one's own life. I will still be focused to create the life and career that I want, but my goal is now to protect, empower and uplift Melanin of African descent at all costs as history tells us, there is something devilishly coming with a vengeance. What we thought our parents and grandparents and those before within this country fought and died for, is coming back with greater speed and calamity as Its influence is dwindling. Expect flagrant and irrational behavior from our highest institutions as they are fighting to control their existence. White populism, fueled by White Supremacy is a threat to my being, and I cannot hide anymore as my Melanin does not permit me to do so. This article applies to all current minorities within America but I speak as a Melanin of African descent targeting my community. It's time to mobilize and to do so quickly. It's time to actively defy.

1) Love Yourself

Your physical features defy the Empire. Love yourself and stay true to the effects of finding love for yourself. This comes first. By you defying the Empire, hate towards your presence will be a constant theme throughout your time in this world. The very people that hate you, do not know how to love themselves for if they did, they would not behave in this way out of love for humanity. You must do whatever it takes to love your very being.  Once you discover and learn to love yourself, no one can take that feeling away, as you now have taken responsibility for your life by valuing it. If someone is able to take this feeling away, then you never valued your life to begin with. When you love yourself, you will grow. Do not be surprised when things you once accepted, no longer fit in your world and are perceived as derogatory. 

2) Know your place

America is an Empire and to think it isn't is false. Your existence and physicality defies it as it was not meant nor designed for you. Your culture, identity, and history have been taken away, redefined, reclassified and repackaged. You’ve intentionally been kept in the dark and with no identity and nothing to stand on you can be easily swayed into believing everything. The fact you have nothing to stand on gives you freedom and is a sign that you can control your destiny. You have the choice to accept what the Empire tells you you are, or you can create who you’d like to be. There was nothing ever to lose once you were born. Your power is loud. 

3) Know your Empire

White Supremacists are right. The agenda of America was to continue the expansion of the White race through Eurocentric ideologies and beliefs. The Founding Fathers were White Supremacists. They pushed these ideologies and beliefs and did not have the courage to carry out their egalitarian principles shared in famed documents such as the Constitution and Declaration of Independence. George Washington was an advocate of slavery and if I set across the table from him, listing out my accomplishments within this country, he’d ask, “How was this possible?” His actions are inexcusable. Tireless contributions given to this land by those that came before you, to help push forward an agenda that purposefully works against you, should tell you everything you need to know. You owe this country nothing. America is indebted to you. 

4) Reshape the Empire

Reshape it the way it is supposed to be and the way it needs to be. I would encourage you to fight for the true core experiment of this country but the choice is yours. Use all of the technological advancements, tools and new thoughts to tear down outdated behaviors and beliefs, expose ignorant individuals and unite against false norms. Ignorance needs to be exposed. Decolonize your mind to reshape all of it. Lead with empathy.

5) Rewrite your narrative

Rewrite your narrative at all costs. The first step is to admit that we are a lost people in an Empire that was never designed for us. We are fighting to create a culture that is constantly being disrupted by the Empire and in doing so, crippling our ability to define ourselves. White Supremacy has shaped our history and lives as our last names are not even our own. Acknowledge it. This is not a bad thing, yet should feed the flames to do more; Reclaim what was ours, take what was stolen, and forge our own destiny. Rewrite your narrative because the one that has been given to you and taught to you is a lie. You are in control of your destiny and no amount of human indignation and injustices will take that away. Reject norms, philosophies and traditions meant to keep you away from channeling your energy to do so. Black doesn’t do it for me anymore, I prefer Melanin. Remember, you already have nothing to lose. Again, decolonize your mind. Create what you want, when you want.

6) Mobilize your community

You are fighting two fronts; First, to mobilize your community and dealing with the good, bad and ugly; Second, to raise awareness of the injustices committed by the Empire under White Supremacy, exposing ignorance and the growing threat of White populism. Greater attention should be given to the first as the Empire and its people will not change anytime soon. Please do not think that wealth equates to one being more successful than the other in our community. In terms of being the ones who defy the Empire, we are all in the same boat. When you strip away my Ivy League degree and socio-economic standing, I am no different than Philando Castile or Alton Sterling. It is time to be a unit. A unit means embracing the good, the bad and the ugly of our culture, strategizing and developing solutions in order to elevate. As a unit and as one people, we will be better equipped and agile enough to see incoming threats, as well as be opportunistic in order to thrive. We’ve been broken so many times, and it is time to rally a Final Push and take a stance for one another. No more separation. No more colorism. No more reclassifications. In this Empire, we are Melanin. 

7) Privileged Melanin need to do more

Our communities are rebuilding once again. We are pushing forward but those of privilege and who have been able to blend into the Empire due to 'financial successes', keeping with status quo, need to do more. The status quo is done. If you are not insistent on helping less fortunate Melanin to understand, strategize, succeed and thrive within the Empire, you are in the wrong. If you are not helping less fortunate Melanin to be able to intellectualize situations, nor check your own privileges before engaging, you are wrong. If you are not speaking out against injustices committed against less fortunate Melanin, you are adhering to the status quo. Remember, wealth does not mean anything for you at the end of the day. You cannot hide your Melanin in the Empire. You should wear your culture with pride and use your platform to speak out as much as possible as you have the means. If you want your life, work and career to be taken seriously, do this with urgency. The times have shifted. You no longer need to play a game as the lid is off in the Empire with respect to racial discourse.

8) The problem is not you

It never was you. Our Founding Fathers set the tone for the shape of this country and in doing so, did it with the glass half full. To us, what you see now in the country with respect to racial tensions and the fallacy of the Empire itself has been transparent since its inception, yet America's people are too desperate to not see the problem or deal with it even if it is served on a silver platter. It's easier to blame marginalized communities than understand this country's structure and system with respect to capitalism, class, education and world markets.

9) Understand White Preservation

Preservation of Whiteness, which is currently linked to power, is at the core of many of our frustrations. Do not sugarcoat this. Until people realize this, in particular Whites within the Empire, nothing will change. It has been the same mindset since Europeans decided to claim this land as their own. Do not waste your breath, yet simply study it. In America, the disparities between poor Whites and White elites is imploding. It’s fascinating to watch and it needs to carry itself out like a virus. There is nothing we can do to help them deal with their problems except ensure that it no longer bleeds over into our communities.

As White Populism has shown us, people will preserve Whiteness and all of its false constructs and archaic norms at the expense of their own country, family and world what with the recent rise of the unqualified and global threat, Clown Elect. You are dealing with irrational behavior where there is an immediate hunger for survival out of fear that White culture is becoming extinct. Stay clear and let it see itself to the end in the hopes that it transforms into something anew. Know that they will not change anytime soon so as I stress, channel your energies to your communities. You cannot teach empathy, but again, you can still raise awareness and expose ignorance. Again, I stress, do not stand for this to bleed over into your communities. It stops this time.

10) Do not care

The same deafening attitude of ignorance from the Empire and its countrymen towards your cry for respect and advocacy of human rights, should be reciprocated. Ignore them altogether. If they do not care for the lives of your children, then you should find it equally difficult to care for theirs. If they do not care for your rights, then why should you care for theirs? With the rise of Clown Elect, many of my countrymen who voted for the Clown will have their own rights and benefits taken away, but why should I care? They did not care about my wellbeing or other minorities of this country when he spewed his rhetoric. They need to learn tough love. Try to find common ground, but really ask yourself, is it worth my time? Furthermore, crimes committed against Melanin without punishment have been going on since the Empire’s inception. Respect is given where it is due, and until we start seeing the respect we deserve, I do not see how the Empire expects me to give outright attention to its concerns. If someone keeps treating you poorly, how do you expect that person to expect that you come back to the table? You have to dig deep and tap into empathy and that can be very challenging.

11) Always say no to violence

It should not come as a shock to the Empire when Melanin can only take so much more. I do not condone violence, but I do accept that many of my folk are angry and may not know how to channel their anger correctly – especially when history of the Empire shows how Melanin have been slaughtered without justice. From one Melanin to another, do your best to help other Melanin intellectualize the situation. We do not need to stoop to the lowest levels of human nature. The barbarity of committing violence towards one another based on the pigmentation of one’s skin is subhuman. We have always been better than that, because we know how it feels. 

12) White Culture is being questioned

When someone's existence is being threatened and they hold power, logic and reason is thrown out the window and irrational behavior is indefinite. This is what we're seeing right now with the rise of White populism and the Empire. We have a reality television star with questionable businesses as our next President. The Republican Party, a predominantly White party, plans to defund Planned Parenthood. North Carolina's legislative coup, ranks it on par with Cuba. There are many other instances. Let it play out. There's nothing we can do at the moment. Know that some of you will be greatly affected as the theme is to blame marginalized communities in which poor whites, the typical aggressors, heed a call, as history shows, to verbally and physically assault you. Some of you may even lose your life as a result. 

13) Ignore tantrums

It is unfortunate that people must behave like children to maintain a status quo, but this is our world. For those that do not understand your plight, yet create attempts to counter your existence through incensed rhetoric, physical abuse, name-calling, lack of empathy, etc. know that you are dealing with children. A mother scolds her children with the hopes that they grow up to be productive human beings, yet she cannot force them too be this. They must choose. The same applies to the people that simply want to see you lose. When you ignore, the tantrums will grow louder. The name-calling will ensue, lies will be peddled, and the violence will grow. Keep moving.

14) It's a Human Rights issue

White Supremacy is the core problem within the Empire and is affecting my rights as a human being who is Melanin with African descent. It's a human rights issue.

15) Decolonize

Decolonize and reject everything for the time being. The US Census Bureau labels North Africans as Whites. Nefertiti was darker than me. Reject what you're being told as it is all can be questioned. Again, decolonize the mind. Begin to dive into African philosophy as you will see many of our "Great Thinkers" which are pushed in the earliest lessons of the Empire's education system, derived their thinking from African school of thought.

16) Train your mind to get to the core

You have a task to question, unwire and to get to the core of all things taught to you under the Empire. You will find many lies. This is truth. You have been kept in the dark. When you get to the core, you will begin to understand power can be a facade. As an example, the Enlightenment period of the West, to which our Founding Fathers ‘threw themselves into’ has its origins in Africa. Now, knowing that our Founding Fathers peddled White supremacist ideologies, with ideas influenced by the Mystery Schools in Africa which influenced the Western Enlightenment period, you begin to see the façade of power and how many will go to great lengths to preserve it. This theme is rampant in the Western World and to a people with no solid foundation such as yourselves, you will believe any and everything which is why you must question it all. Your confidence is on the other end.

16) Disruption is coming

Monuments will come down. Your presence, way of thinking and questioning will create disruption. People will get upset and call you revolutionary, agitators and instigators, however, you’re simply seeking Truth. Truth is a threat that allows for the façade to be on full display. The monuments, dare I say the governments, will no longer hold weight. White populism and White supremacy is single-handedly accelerating the lack of morale in our country and government as The Clown Elect questions our own established institutions with a tweet.

As the veil is being dropped in America, know that it will extend beyond this Empire, spilling over into other pockets of the Western World. It is a beautiful, intricate lie. What the disruption looks like is what we’re beginning to see. It will get uglier as you begin to lead in your quest for Truth, unknowingly disrupting the flow of the Western World and know that none of us knows what the end will look like.

17) For those that hate, Ask about the end game

Always ask what the end game is for those that spew hateful rhetoric about your presence. What is it that they're trying to accomplish. This will help clear up any type of confusion.

18) Be mindful of your anger

Lose your emotion, and you lose your case. Outrage to the oppression of human rights is necessary and means you’re human. To not feel this, means you do not care. Be upset and speak out, yet also accept emotion will cloud your judgment. You will miss steps to advance and push should you stay emotional. Logic awaits when the dust settles. Channel the emotions in a tactful manner. 

19) Claim it

If it’s justified in truth, claim it. There are no limits. There never were. Claim what you think you own. Rather than have something being taken from you again, such as your rights, always fight to keep what you have and build, claiming it as your own.

20) Give

Just as much as you claim what is rightfully yours, be sure to give. You have empathy. You know what hate feels like. You know what being robbed feels like. Learn to not take from your own. Again, because we live in an individualistic society, this does not mean we need to behave this way. We see what happens when you do and I do not need to provide a litany of examples that this Empire has produced as a result of this behavior. 

21) Non-thinking people exist

Be careful about your energy and wasted breath on these types of people. It’s futile to argue with those that don’t ‘get it’. You do not have to educate, nor explain your plight to them in for them to understand. Let them live in the dark and let them continue on their journey. Don’t bother to disrupt it as everyone is at different ‘levels’ of growth in our human experience. Some are still infants. If you must disrupt, ensure that your thought or comment has the greatest reach and is hard-hitting where it will trigger self-reflection. 

22) Pinpoint

Again, you should not have to explain your plight. Pinpoint White spokespeople/advocates of human rights in the Empire that understand. Encourage them to speak out on your behalf as well as take ownership of their community and culture. They have the ear and, for now, wield influence. Should they not live up to your standards, leave them alone. Don't think twice or bemoan how they could not understand. That is their job, and if they are wise they should want to deal with it. If they have empathy, they will get it. Let them live their journey should they ignore you.You don't have time to waste. 

Do not limit yourself to White advocates, but be broad, allying with other minorities in the Empire. They understand and get it. Just as much as they speak out for you, you should speak out for them. If a Muslim is required to register in the Empire, register alongside them.

23) Shift the influence in our community

Stop giving weight to successful entertainers that have defied the Empire, yet are complicit in their actions and behaviors to push forward the two-front battle. It’s time to shift the pillars of influence within our community because it seems for some, brand appeal is more important than our rights. Stop deifying them when they are nowhere to be found in the streets expressing outrage, nor using their massive platform to unify Melanin or speak out against the injustices committed by the Empire

24) Call out people

Call out those who are not doing enough yet have the platform. It is a human rights issue. That goes for those that propagate our culture for profit yet are nowhere to be found promoting Black Lives Matter tee. 

25) Love history

Use it to know who you are in order to create a foundation for yourself. That means taking extra time to dig and know Melanin culture within the Empire as well as Africa. But don’t limit yourself. Understand more about other parts of the world outside of your own culture. History is the playbook of humanity. Let it be your best friend so you can attempt to understand human behavior as its unpredictability will never be determined. 

26) There are barriers to humanity

Self, Race, Sex, Sexuality, Religion and Class are the barriers to humanity. As long as we are unable to dismantle these barriers, we will keep repeating until we get it right. Do not be surprised by another war, humanitarian crisis, genocide, hate crime, etc. This is our planet. We haven’t even reached mastering the Self as people cannot think independently. We have a long way to go.

27) Know the continued oppressor

I need not tell you who they are.  We all know. They know themselves. They are blinded by their fear. Study what fear can do to you as you can see how it can jeopardize all of humanity at the expense of insular thinking and false beliefs. Tie it together with the Founding Fathers true intent and understand why these radical policies are still being implemented. Study their 'culture' inside and out. Get to know them. Contextualize your current life from a historical perspective and know you live an Empire. Imagine what people will say thousands of years from now when they look back should humanity make it that far. They will say that you were rebels, some by choice and some, simply for being born. 

28) Understand opportunity

Know that opportunity comes in many different forms. Just as much as a Melanin may help advance your life, so could a White person or a Melanin of different descent. Never limit yourself.

29) Know that they'll come for you. 

This is what happens when you defy an Empire. 

Giving up

I'm currently in a period of discernment and I got there by giving up on myself. You will give up on yourself at least one point in your life. You may have already and you're not even aware of it. Giving up on yourself is when you're not operating at your highest self, consistently, instead choosing to operate at your lowest common denominator (LCD) self. This happened to me my first year in LA. In NYC, I was on a fast track, getting things at a rapid pace that would take the average person that wanted to do what I did, at base level, years - but when nothing was panning out the way I wanted it to, I was spent. Defeated, tired and even a little broken, I left for LA, a place where I always wanted to be and just 'let go'. I believed I owed this to myself after four rocky years in The Big Apple. Within that first year, I put myself in seedy situations, formed and engaged in questionable relations and walked down what many may define as a dark path. If it wasn't for the upheavals towards the end of my first year as an Angeleno, as a human being, I might still be operating at my lowest common denominator self. This wasn't the first time I had given up on myself, but it was the first time I became aware of what I was doing as it was happening and decided to alter my actions indefinitely. Coming out of it, it's a tough realization when you realize you gave up on yourself - but as a positive, you will ultimately learn to love yourself all over again and then some, should you choose to become aware of what is going on. Here is what I am learning/learned as a result:

1. Energy is everything...

Where you put it, where it goes, what you do with it. Translated, take account of everything you do in your life. You are your business and this is your journey. Who you spend time with or what you spend your time with is valuable as it will affect you. You cannot dance in worlds and think there will be no effect. To the person that is not willing to commit, make your voice heard that your time is valuable. To the friend that is a constant source of negativity, take the necessary steps to back away. To the job that doesn't take into account your effort, make conscious efforts to find a new one. Your energy is relative to your purpose if you believe this, so every fiber of your being needs to be concentrated towards what you want and how to make the most out of this experience with who you are now.

2. That little voice is real

That little voice that everyone speaks of is real and don't let anyone tell you different. It's not just heard in your head, but can be felt in your heart and other places in your body. Listen to it. Call it intuition, instinct or gut - but just listen to it. Giving up on yourself has everything to do with receiving the message being relayed to you and if you love yourself, you will act on it in accordance with your best interest or higher self. To not listen to it in any situation, is giving up on yourself. There is no way to really paint a different picture. You have been given the information, you are in tune with what's going on (hopefully), now listen and make the choice; but above all else, operate with transparency when the choice is made. Always being honest with yourself will provide clarity and make that little voice sharper.

3. Feel shame

I cannot tell you the amount of regret and shame I felt knowing that I was not there for myself when I needed me the most. I subjected myself to things that could have truly altered my life and believed that I could play in certain worlds without any adverse reaction, but I was terribly wrong. I didn't fight the feeling of shame when I realized that I had given up on myself. I absorbed it. Call it a pity party for one if you'd like, but it was necessary. I let it consume me until I actively began to fight to reclaim my mental. The one powerful reason I allowed myself to embrace the feeling of shame is, depending on how you choose to look at it, it meant I cared for myself.  I openly apologized to myself multiple times and did it with intent. I needed to hear myself tell me this. Use your name if or when you do it. It is gut-wrenching to replay the events of what happened to me in that first year in LA, but it happened. It saddens me. But I let it go. I made a promise to myself to do right by myself moving forward in all situations - and I was even so bold as to say a quick 'thank you' for the experiences that have now undoubtedly shaped (not defined) me, moving into the next phase of my life.

4. Fight for yourself

I'm learning that this is how you fall in love with yourself. If you're willing to fight for yourself, you realize you are of worth. Just as giving up means to operate at your lowest common denominator self with consistency; To fight for yourself means you choose to operate for the good of your highest self at all times. When you operate at the LCD self this will send you down a path of uncertainty where you will have a high probability of giving up on your self. When you become aware of your LCD, you have the choice to keep dwindling in the wind or plant your feet down and fight. I chose to fight. It is an overwhelming feeling to fight for yourself because there is no greater pleasure. It is the most challenging and rewarding thing to strive to operate everyday at your highest level self. As an example, I didn't vet what was getting past my gates to enter my world. Because I operated with my LCD, I wasn't acting in my greater self interest. Checking every little thing that tries to come into your world is critical. I place strong emphasis on critical because this is your life. It's tedious and difficult at first, but becomes second hand nature when it's practiced. The ability to discern who and what comes into your world is a gift and the upheavals in my life are teaching me this. When I feel as though I'm beginning to slip, I realize the accumulation of what got me to this point and the amount of effort it took to reach this mindset. To let little things slip through my gates which will pile up if left unchecked, is an egregious error on my part and is reflective of how I view my own world. It shows I do not care about my own well being; hence I'm ignoring my higher self and giving up on myself. I'm fiercely protective of my gate now, but also realize that I need to strike a balance so as not to miss the 'good'. Vibrate high. Fight for yourself. Protect your castle.

5. Take measured approaches

I was reactive in my life prior to the upheavals. I let my LCD self dictate roughly 95% of my decisions. Looking back on this is difficult as I'm quite sure I missed an abundance of opportunities or things that would have aided me in my professional and personal growth but, I can't go back. I have to earnestly look forward and not look at it as time wasted but look at it as though I captured 'this' while I was young. It makes me more determined than ever not to waste my energy - and above all else to be measured in all things and not react. This is the only way to live - the only way I want to live moving forward. I don't find complete fault in reaction as there are extreme instances that call for it, but if I'm in a place to contemplate, that is what I will do.

5. Believe in Impermanence

Believe this. Don't ever forget that nothing is forever. Happiness, guilt, sadness, optimism, etc. All fleeting.

6. Fall Forward

Denzel Washington spoke this at my college graduation in 2011 and I thought I understood it then - as I had some very relevant life experience under my belt - but I get it now. He spoke of failure and the ability to take risks and that you must fall forward in order to succeed. I'm choosing to apply it to this situation. That first year in LA, I failed myself - utterly failed myself in every way possible by my behavior. But in my failure, and in the shame that led to my growth; which led to me fighting for myself to reclaim myself; which led to me becoming the 'bouncer' to my world - once again, I didn't look back. I don't have time to look back. It is easier said than done as the brain wants to replay images of what was once deemed 'comforting' and a 'way of life' constantly, but I treat these images as distant memories, because at the concrete level, that's what they are. I choose to move forward and take pride in knowing that the only way to move forward is to act as if these things no longer are of importance in my world. Which they aren't. These were experiences - ones that I will never forget and it's time to fall forward; To be risky (in a healthy way) and proceed to step up to the plate of the role I'm meant to play in this life.

7. Respect the process

I'm a huge proponent of two words - process and cultivation. You have to cultivate thoughts which lead to action. You have to enjoy the process that cultivation is in order to create your world. I enjoy looking back on my brief life and analyzing 'set ups' that have propelled me forward on my own journey. From dark moments when I lay bruised, battered and broken (literally) on a hospital bed at 21, to uplifting moments when I got the call to work at a top talent agency the next year. It's true that life is beautiful and I feel incredibly blessed that I've become aware of my growth and I'm fighting to keep ascending. There is a desire now to see how far I can take this particular experience with the unknown time I have, respecting myself even more along the way.

-kb

Hurt

Hurt people hurt people. This can't be a truer statement. But something that isn't explored enough is how the hurt respond to being hurt by the hurt. I've become fascinated on understanding this cycle as I made a conscious effort to let the hurt recently inflicted on me, die with me.

When you're hurt by a person or situation, the hurt can trigger feelings so raw that it's comparable to death or an out of body experience. You try to make sense of the situation, replaying what happened but the confusion worsens the hurt so you give up. You try to forgive, but the anger needs to be dealt with. You make peace, but  before the scar that is the wound from hurt becomes a 'fact of life', the healing process can alter your perception of people and situations - sometimes for the worse. You can be conditioned to fear or worse, operate from a place of hurt. This has devastating consequences as you will hurt others and be so far into your pain, you may not even see it; or you will make choices that can alter your path. But what if during your healing process, you embraced your life in all of its entirety - even the unforeseen? Life is big, and to embrace it means to acknowledge the unknown and all the experiences and people you'll encounter along the way that are not yet present. To the hurt, let the person's hurt or situation of hurt inflicted on you, stop with you. It doesn't deserve to spread for the sake of others and yourself. 

These things that will break us and hurt us throughout our lives will become facts of life or simply put, a thing of the past. It is not supposed to define us but should serve as a  part in helping you move on to the next part of your journey. Keyword, your journey. It's continuously unfolding and that hurtful incident will be small in the grand scheme of things, so let the feelings come over you but don't allow them to dwell.

When someone hurts you, you take on their hurt whether you know it or not. The beautiful thing is you have a choice to let it exist and feed on you or let it die with you. Truthfully, up until recently I did not know I operated from a place of hurt as being hurt was a common theme from childhood to young adolescence. I developed thick skin but it was more of a guard to sense oncoming hurt and to be sure I wouldn't be the first to lose should I encounter similar situations - I would attack. I made poor choices and even allowed situations to flourish when there was no need to entertain it from the start. I operated at the lowest common denominator when hurt but I was losing each time and I did not realize it. It wasn't until I was actually blindsided recently that I said, this person's hurt will stop with me. It's not fair for my journey and it's not fair for future persons that come into my life to be around it, or even taste it. 

It's not fair for humanity and your own experience. This is what I told myself. My temporary pain and suffering caused by individual(s) does not give me the right to throw it around to others. It will stop with me and I won't allow it to spread. This is hard. The hurt inflicted by the person or situation, whether it be intentional or unintentional, can trigger unwanted emotions and uncover insecurities that you don't want to deal with, but this is life. In my case, the ego was bruised and I attacked, but for what? I'll deal with my 'previous hurt' and I'll deal with the energy that was inflicted on me too. It will die with me. I don't want someone to feel this, so why should I allow it to spread? You work on forgiveness of the situation and the person(s), and you see the hurt as a blessing or teacher and you turn within, meeting yourself. When you appreciate the beauty in the hurtful situation, and make the conscious effort to let that person's hurt die with you, you feel good. You're contributing to the grand experiment that is humanity, by pushing it forward, closer to acceptance and love. 

I am human. I will fail others and I know others will fail me (through self-awareness and discernment, I hope to mitigate this). We're constantly evolving. As I evolve, I find it a necessity to let the hurt die with you and fight not only for yourself, but for what you can't see. It's never about you. This is your experience, but it's shared with so many other things. Imagine if everyone stopped the hurt that was inflicted on them? Life wouldn't be so 2016.