Giving up — KIRK

I'm currently in a period of discernment and I got there by giving up on myself. You will give up on yourself at least one point in your life. You may have already and you're not even aware of it. Giving up on yourself is when you're not operating at your highest self, consistently, instead choosing to operate at your lowest common denominator (LCD) self. This happened to me my first year in LA. In NYC, I was on a fast track, getting things at a rapid pace that would take the average person that wanted to do what I did, at base level, years - but when nothing was panning out the way I wanted it to, I was spent. Defeated, tired and even a little broken, I left for LA, a place where I always wanted to be and just 'let go'. I believed I owed this to myself after four rocky years in The Big Apple. Within that first year, I put myself in seedy situations, formed and engaged in questionable relations and walked down what many may define as a dark path. If it wasn't for the upheavals towards the end of my first year as an Angeleno, as a human being, I might still be operating at my lowest common denominator self. This wasn't the first time I had given up on myself, but it was the first time I became aware of what I was doing as it was happening and decided to alter my actions indefinitely. Coming out of it, it's a tough realization when you realize you gave up on yourself - but as a positive, you will ultimately learn to love yourself all over again and then some, should you choose to become aware of what is going on. Here is what I am learning/learned as a result:

1. Energy is everything...

Where you put it, where it goes, what you do with it. Translated, take account of everything you do in your life. You are your business and this is your journey. Who you spend time with or what you spend your time with is valuable as it will affect you. You cannot dance in worlds and think there will be no effect. To the person that is not willing to commit, make your voice heard that your time is valuable. To the friend that is a constant source of negativity, take the necessary steps to back away. To the job that doesn't take into account your effort, make conscious efforts to find a new one. Your energy is relative to your purpose if you believe this, so every fiber of your being needs to be concentrated towards what you want and how to make the most out of this experience with who you are now.

2. That little voice is real

That little voice that everyone speaks of is real and don't let anyone tell you different. It's not just heard in your head, but can be felt in your heart and other places in your body. Listen to it. Call it intuition, instinct or gut - but just listen to it. Giving up on yourself has everything to do with receiving the message being relayed to you and if you love yourself, you will act on it in accordance with your best interest or higher self. To not listen to it in any situation, is giving up on yourself. There is no way to really paint a different picture. You have been given the information, you are in tune with what's going on (hopefully), now listen and make the choice; but above all else, operate with transparency when the choice is made. Always being honest with yourself will provide clarity and make that little voice sharper.

3. Feel shame

I cannot tell you the amount of regret and shame I felt knowing that I was not there for myself when I needed me the most. I subjected myself to things that could have truly altered my life and believed that I could play in certain worlds without any adverse reaction, but I was terribly wrong. I didn't fight the feeling of shame when I realized that I had given up on myself. I absorbed it. Call it a pity party for one if you'd like, but it was necessary. I let it consume me until I actively began to fight to reclaim my mental. The one powerful reason I allowed myself to embrace the feeling of shame is, depending on how you choose to look at it, it meant I cared for myself. I openly apologized to myself multiple times and did it with intent. I needed to hear myself tell me this. Use your name if or when you do it. It is gut-wrenching to replay the events of what happened to me in that first year in LA, but it happened. It saddens me. But I let it go. I made a promise to myself to do right by myself moving forward in all situations - and I was even so bold as to say a quick 'thank you' for the experiences that have now undoubtedly shaped (not defined) me, moving into the next phase of my life.

4. Fight for yourself

I'm learning that this is how you fall in love with yourself. If you're willing to fight for yourself, you realize you are of worth. Just as giving up means to operate at your lowest common denominator self with consistency; To fight for yourself means you choose to operate for the good of your highest self at all times. When you operate at the LCD self this will send you down a path of uncertainty where you will have a high probability of giving up on your self. When you become aware of your LCD, you have the choice to keep dwindling in the wind or plant your feet down and fight. I chose to fight. It is an overwhelming feeling to fight for yourself because there is no greater pleasure. It is the most challenging and rewarding thing to strive to operate everyday at your highest level self. As an example, I didn't vet what was getting past my gates to enter my world. Because I operated with my LCD, I wasn't acting in my greater self interest. Checking every little thing that tries to come into your world is critical. I place strong emphasis on critical because this is your life. It's tedious and difficult at first, but becomes second hand nature when it's practiced. The ability to discern who and what comes into your world is a gift and the upheavals in my life are teaching me this. When I feel as though I'm beginning to slip, I realize the accumulation of what got me to this point and the amount of effort it took to reach this mindset. To let little things slip through my gates which will pile up if left unchecked, is an egregious error on my part and is reflective of how I view my own world. It shows I do not care about my own well being; hence I'm ignoring my higher self and giving up on myself. I'm fiercely protective of my gate now, but also realize that I need to strike a balance so as not to miss the 'good'. Vibrate high. Fight for yourself. Protect your castle.

5. Take measured approaches

I was reactive in my life prior to the upheavals. I let my LCD self dictate roughly 95% of my decisions. Looking back on this is difficult as I'm quite sure I missed an abundance of opportunities or things that would have aided me in my professional and personal growth but, I can't go back. I have to earnestly look forward and not look at it as time wasted but look at it as though I captured 'this' while I was young. It makes me more determined than ever not to waste my energy - and above all else to be measured in all things and not react. This is the only way to live - the only way I want to live moving forward. I don't find complete fault in reaction as there are extreme instances that call for it, but if I'm in a place to contemplate, that is what I will do.

5. Believe in Impermanence

Believe this. Don't ever forget that nothing is forever. Happiness, guilt, sadness, optimism, etc. All fleeting.

6. Fall Forward

Denzel Washington spoke this at my college graduation in 2011 and I thought I understood it then - as I had some very relevant life experience under my belt - but I get it now. He spoke of failure and the ability to take risks and that you must fall forward in order to succeed. I'm choosing to apply it to this situation. That first year in LA, I failed myself - utterly failed myself in every way possible by my behavior. But in my failure, and in the shame that led to my growth; which led to me fighting for myself to reclaim myself; which led to me becoming the 'bouncer' to my world - once again, I didn't look back. I don't have time to look back. It is easier said than done as the brain wants to replay images of what was once deemed 'comforting' and a 'way of life' constantly, but I treat these images as distant memories, because at the concrete level, that's what they are. I choose to move forward and take pride in knowing that the only way to move forward is to act as if these things no longer are of importance in my world. Which they aren't. These were experiences - ones that I will never forget and it's time to fall forward; To be risky (in a healthy way) and proceed to step up to the plate of the role I'm meant to play in this life.

7. Respect the process

I'm a huge proponent of two words - process and cultivation. You have to cultivate thoughts which lead to action. You have to enjoy the process that cultivation is in order to create your world. I enjoy looking back on my brief life and analyzing 'set ups' that have propelled me forward on my own journey. From dark moments when I lay bruised, battered and broken (literally) on a hospital bed at 21, to uplifting moments when I got the call to work at a top talent agency the next year. It's true that life is beautiful and I feel incredibly blessed that I've become aware of my growth and I'm fighting to keep ascending. There is a desire now to see how far I can take this particular experience with the unknown time I have, respecting myself even more along the way.

-kb