Raw

Lean into what life requires of you. I remember breaking down in the high school parking lot, head on the steering wheel, sobbing, wondering how and why people could be so mean. I made a promise to myself from then on out to be comfortable with walking alone and I never looked back. Little did I know, life would require this way of thinking and all of its ‘protective mechanisms’ that come with it, for the next decade. Plucked from Virginia and thrown into multiple cities and places, not knowing a soul, I’ve made it a point to become my own foundation. As a result, I’m incredibly sensitive to the choices I make, relying on me, weighing out the consequences to the point of self-sabotage – yet somehow managing with great precision the ability to walk the middle between polar opposites, Fear and Recklessness.

But as I make my way through this Experience (life), all of that is coming into question. I realize that the current version of myself that developed in Hayfield Secondary School parking lot, is no longer required. Life requires different versions of you. That to resist the temptation to lean into the New Version poking its head, will result in stagnation and to achieve the personal and professional goals I desire, a level of rawness and vulnerability is required. And as I begin to take a step back, I realize that with moderation (and practice), yet a desire to maximize myself, this might possibly be the only way to live here on out.

While I cannot remember the day vividly, I can remember the feeling of being hunched over the wheel in my Grandma’s 97’ Honda civic in the school parking lot. The knots in my stomach. The mental exhaustion. The embarrassment, and above all else the hurt. It had been nearly 3 years of constant bullying and I had kept a strong demeanor, beginning to truly understand “Big Picture Thinking” (highschool is not everything), yet everyone ultimately has a breaking point. No one should ever have to feel that way - and I would never wish that on anyone even nearly 15 years removed. In that moment, I made a promise to myself to stand up for myself and to “go down swinging” no matter what. And I did just that. The next day, I pushed through, endured the taunts but something changed. I spoke out. Little did I know, life was waiting for me to lean into this protective mechanism of “sticking up for myself” that I had so routinely avoided. Life was trying to prepare me, yet it would require my acceptance.

As a result, it would take me from Virginia and introduce me to worlds, cities, people and experiences that I honestly could not have imagined. It still is. But this protective mechanism is no longer serving its purpose, and in actuality is beginning to hinder my own progression in my Experience. As I get older, I’m realizing that I have to give it my all if it matters to me. That to even behave in an extremely protective manner limits me from moving on to the next chapter in my life. There is a true feeling of happiness to know that you truly gave it your all despite the result - whether that be positive or negative because even the negative is a positive. This New Version rearing its head is beginning to extend in all matters of my life as well.

With matters of the heart, I’ve always been incredibly careful with who I extend my trust to. The sensitivity that comes with this is something incredibly sacred, yet I had always found ways to mitigate the rawness of the situation, ultimately hurting the other party – but above all else myself. If your human, intimacy is scary. With professional goals, paranoia is/was a common trend as I’m developing a path that is solely based on instinct and passion – the fear of losing it all with nothing to show is palpable. But again, I’m learning did I give it my all? Can I be proud of it all? Being protective does nothing to help me realize this. Throughout this short little life of mine, I realize that in order to get to the highest version of myself, which I genuinely believe is what we’re all fighting for, I’m required to be vulnerable and to go all in. To be raw. That doesn’t mean willfully throw away the protective mechanisms or experiences that have shaped me, but that does mean to lessen the grip in order to experience what is truly meant for me.

That in order to truly discern what is beneficial for me in pushing me towards all that I want to experience in this lifetime, takes a level of maturation and rawness that I honestly am terrified of. To take it one day at a time terrifies me. To learn to process before I act and above all else, to check in with myself terrifies me. And it’s okay to acknowledge all of my feelings around it. I’m terribly competitive, but it’s okay to lose and it’s okay to win as long as I committed to “going all in”. I’ve lost love and I’ve lost career opportunities (some life-changing) but could I honestly look back and say I went all in? Or was I protective of the hurt that comes with rejection? For some yes - for others no. But I’m seeing that life is requiring me to accept the hurt and deal with it accordingly. And that’s just one example. This can only be through rawness and being vulnerable.

I thought I understood these concepts before, and thought I had done an incredible job at applying them - but I realized that I wasn’t maximizing them. Time will tell how this New Version will play itself out and what it will be used for. I’m aware of the moment just like the one in the highschool parking lot that triggered this "version", yet this time – I’m leaning in. No longer resistant. I’m ready to keep going.

Always lean into the version life is requiring of you, because you will never know what waits on the other side.