Case of the Old Shell

As we evolve, we create a shell to protect ourselves. This is our own shield in life.

A shell serves as a boundary for the Self that is meant to withstand life’s lessons, protecting your most ‘vulnerable’ but allowing you to learn - giving you access to discernment for the future. Adding on to it is a must, but there is a balance to it as you never want to protect your Self too much as you may miss out on life. Meant to be impenetrable, it can be dismantled if you allow it to or life will break it in order for you to evolve, hitting your most vulnerable. My old Self no longer works for me anymore because life decided to shatter my shell.

Two situations in less than six months within this year, have shaped the course of my life forever. The first situation nearly compromised my financial standing while the other involved matters of the heart, which nearly compromised my own health. The first incident penetrated the shell piercing the Self while the latter finished the job of breaking the shell hitting the Self harder. The first situation created space for the latter to flourish so the effects were far more exaggerated than the first, but nevertheless my Self had been altered and the shield that was my shell was all over the floor. The shell cracked because I had never had something this extreme happen to me and did not know how to deal with it, exposing a level of vulnerability that I had never seen within myself; the second situation (it came in a new form) brought it all down as I too had never experienced something that intense. 

Both situations had and still have the potential to be traumatic, but it’s what I did and what I’m doing that I feel will help. I’m allowing myself to feel the rawness of everything in order to discern the lessons learned so I can create and rebuild a new me and a new shell. What was once old habits, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors to counter life's obstacles are now reduced to shards of glass. It's nearly impossible to reconstruct this and why would I try when my world has been forever changed? I don’t look at life the same anymore, so why attempt to reconstruct a broken shell that doesn’t match my current view of the world? It’s time to shake off what little pieces of the former shell are left and rebuild with new brick. Self-reflection will assist in this formation, but to say it is easy is an understatement as self-reflection is painful and challenging. 

I didn’t and I don’t want to run back to my old Self to cope nor find the pieces to create my old shell. I’d rather be vulnerable, raw and fully exposed for the time being. I didn’t and I don’t want to numb my feelings of hurt and embarrassment. I welcomed, wanted and want to feel the kick in the gut and the ‘wind’ sucked out of me from these situations. I welcomed and wanted to feel my back against the wall while watching everything fall apart around me. I felt, feel and want to feel the pain of rejection and all that comes with it. I felt, feel and want to feel the hustle and sleepless nights. I felt, feel and want to feel the sorrow of losing comfort. I allowed myself to drive around aimlessly and embrace the ‘daze.’ I’m human and of course I went back to my old ways out of comfort and bought a pack of cigarettes or ‘threw a lip’ to cope (even sipped a little) but even my body rejected these things as I got sick as a result.

Where is there to run?

Yes, I have family and friends but you can only vent so much and you’re still left with yourself. While I believe in a higher power, I did not want to begin to create a complex around It but instead rely on my own power - depending on how you look at it, you are of It and It of you. Painful as 'it' is, I’ve allowed myself to be honest with my Self and have ‘consciously’ walked in what seems like an abyss, for now.

I want to create this new version of me as well as my shell out of honesty and truth. I actually had a 30-minute conversation with myself to figure out how I’d even start, once again, being completely honest and open with my feelings even if it was embarrassing. Some made me blush, angered me, upset me, made me happy and even made me ashamed of myself. But I told myself, it’s a start. The shell of the old Self was riddled, and to be frank, I had held onto it long enough that even my body was telling me it’s time to change. The old shell had lessons learned from previous relationships with friends and lovers that no longer worked in this new space. I let it go. The old shell had lessons from things I once tolerated but will no longer tolerate in this new space. I let it go. I’ve gone through dark times, but I never actually went 'through it' as I was young, immature and created ‘habits’ (adding this to my shell) that numbed this. But now I’m open to the rawness of life as we all should be. It will only push you to what you actually and truly want out of this entire experience.

So I say to you, we all have events (whether they be good or bad) that will break the ‘old shell’ and will force you to rebuild, create, grow, etc. a new shell for you, as well as a new Self - but continue to move forward and evolve. Acknowledge the past, and as cliche as it seems, don’t look back. Be safe, gentle and kind to yourself in this process, but above all else be honest with yourself. Don’t numb these types of transitions as this is a critical moment to create a new part of you or in my case, rebuild all of you. Strive to create and assist yourself in developing this new version of you and do whatever it takes to see yourself through to the end – this goes for your life as well. Understand your lessons by paying attention to what occurred.  

We’re all here to evolve and to run back to recreate what was lost is doing anything but.